appetite, 'cause it's...
Yes, cold, delicious condiments. Seductive mustard. Exotic ketchup.
The South-of-the-Border caress of salsa. The thrill of pickle relish
on your palate. Condiment Fest is here again, and it's time to
pour it on, baby!!
All right, maybe not the most auspicious return for the BladePro Cafe.
Red Lobster has those damned crustaceans (seen any Dateline pieces
on shellfish lately, pal?), floating in all that deadly garlic butter. The
Sizzler has that All-You-Can-Eat Ribs Nights -- oh, the swine, the
humanity. Here at the Cafe, we strive to challenge the palate with
exotic delights, and what's more exotic than condiments, that
mysterious sixth food group that eludes classification, that
performs as a food only in concert with other dishes? 'Sides, the
marketing department pointed out how cheap a condiment promotion
would be. I DID just build a mall, you know (insert plug link).
The field of condimentology has fascinated mankind ever since that
early Cro Magnon first discovered the delights of fire-charred
mammoth topped with a pile of shrub nuts and soggy swamp ferns.
Oog bogga hoola glug, INDEED! The growing diversity of
mustard flavors and uses has spawned The Mount Horem
Mustard Museum in Wisconsin, which features a daunting collection
of more than 3,300 prepared mustards. Ketchup has not yet caught
up (heh, heh, hmm) with its yellow sibling in popular lore, but enough
new barbecue sauces spring forth every day to keep the membership
of the Arkansas NRA belching until Congress passes effective
gun control laws. And researchers predict salsa will be the U.S.'
predominant condiment within a scant few years (jeepers, I hope
federal and state grant monies were used).
So dig in: We've purchased only the finest condiments from
the nation's premiere institutional food suppliers, and given you
a choice of serving styles. Those little foil/plastic packets seemingly
meant to keep your honey mustard safe in the deepest reaches
of the Andromeda Galaxy. Those 'tween-the-wastebasket pumps
that spray a thick coat of Horsey Sauce on that new sweater you
snagged at The Gap. And those de-lightful squeeze bottles caked
with ketchup crud and whatever food residues remained from
overly intense application.
LET US TOP YOU OFF. CAUSE AT CONDIMENT FEST,
WE POUR IT ON THICK!!
Mmmph, snorf. Thish ish a l'il dry. Pass me the condiment.zip, please.