I am currently the only male mammal in Central Illinois
who doesn't particularly give a rat's hindquarters for
organized sports. That's according to a recent Gallup poll
that concluded I was the sole individual within a 15-county
region who thinks John Madden is a merely a very
portly hardware salesman and March Madness is some
very rare form of seasonal manic/depressive disorder.
Several wire services picked up on the fact that I
watch Sunday afternoon cooking shows on PBS
instead of sweaty guys pitched in noble competition
on the field of honor and tugging at their nether parts,
and that I sat with the moms at my kid's American Legion
game. Subsequently, the Illinois Department of Health
ruled I could not engage in conversation with another
male within a 100-mile radius until I could name the
top five NBA draft picks for 2000.

To this day, sadly, I cannot. However, if one of the
guys ever approaches me on a Monday morning
at work and says, "Man, you catch Julia Child yesterday?
What the hell was that with the tarragon, huh? Was her
palate just up her ass that day?," I'll be there, brother.
I'm one of those guys who gets cranked off when
football violates the sanctity of Prime Time, who spends
the entire Super Bowl party at the nacho platter, who thinks
Darryl Strawberry is Baskin-Robbin's frozen yogurt
flavor of the month. I did beat the boy once at driveway
hoops: He laughed himself into a coughing fit when I
tried to make a girlie-style, underhanded free throw.

But sports is part of my genetic birthright, so in the
spirit of being, well, a good sport, I thought it would
be fun to offer you one of those great sports trivia quizzes.
Sharpen your, um, pointy baseball shoes, and test your
wits.

1. Dennis Rodman? Carmen Electra?!?

2. Why is it the Indy 500? If there were that many cars,
why, they wouldn't even be able to move.

3. Boo-YAA! What's up with that?

4. What snack food goes best with those monster
truck things on late-night cable?

5. How many Sports Illustrated swimsuit models
would it take to beat the crap out of those sweaty
aerobics gals you used to see on TV all
the time?

Answers? I told you I don't know sports. Here,
have some presets instead:

Download sports.zip, and grab me a brewski from
the kitchen so's I won't miss this play, 'kay, babe?