Left, the climactic scene from Starch Wars Commercial No. 1: Starch Wars, where adorable BladePro Cafe mascot Text Ritter faces off against disgruntled would-be french fry fodder, Darth Tater. Initial focus groups were conflicted over this clever Plastimation ad: Many agreed Darth Tater was the more sympathetic character, seeking only to spare himself an agonizing death by slicing and soy oil frying. Then, the Star Wars lawyers called, and the whole derivative campaign got yanked.

A  long time ago, in a galaxy far away (about 1 1/2 hours away via I-75 East and I-63 South, to be precise), a young knight  named Martin faced daily trials and challenges: Platefuls of boiled brussel sprouts, soggy cauliflower florets, and, urk, loathsome lima beans. The young master bravely endured...
Oh, crap. Forget the Star Wars parody thing. I grew up in fear of that dreaded group that, I believe, forms the right anterior wall of the USDA food pyramid: The vegetable family. Now I got no argument with the Yellow Vegetables: Corn and potatoes are like your kooky uncle who tells you smutty jokes or the cousin who slips you a beer when nobody's looking. Unless, of course, they're mixed with the stern, bitter, anal retentive Green Vegetables. The Greens drown out the Yellow flavor, and the Yellows hush up and behave like nutritious lumps on a plate. Mom dished up the Greens, lots of them, and I was forced to focus absently on the meat and bread until she would become distracted by the phone or my big sister's sarcasm or my report card. Then Mitzi the Fox Terrier would get a handful of beans or wet leafs or whatever the botanical du jour might happen to be that night. At first, Mitzi appeared consumed by canine confusion by the herbivorous offerings I would dump her way with the loving admonition, "C'mon, dammit, EAT!" Gradually, eons of carnivorous genetic encoding slipped away, and our Mitzi actually grew to prefer plant material to beef scraps and processed chicken components and liver-flavored biscuits. One day, Mitzi left to live with the cows, refusing to disguise her disdain for our meat-eating ways and leaving a soft, steaming social message in front of the refrigerator. I missed her, and was forced thereafter to commit my vegetables to the downstairs toilet.
Mitzi, these presets are for you:


Download, urk, veggies.zip, and take my Star Wars: Phantom Menace trivia quiz (CAUTION: THIS QUIZ INCLUDES DETAILS THAT MIGHT SPOIL THE FILM BEFORE IT HAS AN HONEST CHANCE TO TOTALLY DASH YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND MAKE YOU WISH YOU'D SEEN AUSTIN POWERS OR THE HAUNTING OR THE WLD, WILD WEST OR EVEN THAT DAMNED EYES WIDE SHUT):
The BladePro Cafe
Star Wars Trivia Quiz
1. Jar-Jar Binks? JAR-JAR BINKS?
2. Okay. Anakin Skywalker's actually Darth Vader as a third grader, but he's the good guy? What's the deal with that?
3.  C'mon. You didn't feel a little like clapping when that snotty, self-serious Liam Neeson gets the light saber in the gut? Just a little?
4. You couldn't tell the main bad guy was the senator dude with a hood? Know Clark Kent was Superman with glasses, Stephen Hawking? Sheesh.
5. Think Carrie Fisher could beat the living crap out of Natalie Portman?
6. The Princess looks like one of those dumbass wall hangings you buy at those foofy craft stores, right? (Hee, hee)
7. She wanted to see Notting Hill, you talked her out of it. Now, you're actually thinking you screwed up, am I correct?
8. Episode 2? EPISODE 2, for gosh sakes?!?
Answers: 1. Yeah, I know. 2. I dunno, gimme the damned Juju Beans.
3. Heh, heh, uh, guess so. 4. Clark was -- well, I'll be... 5. In a New York minute, even chained to Jabba the Hutt. 6. Damned skippy. 7. Well, I did like Julia Roberts in Conspiracy Theory. 8. AIIEEEEEEEEE!!!
Please exit by the rear link, please.