1992: Branson, Missouri -- Scoff at wife-to-be's warning to
apply sunblock at Water Park. Missouri sun is different
from Illinois sun, she says. Ha, I laugh (actually, it was more
of a scornful grunt) -- were there multiple balls of hydrogen
in the sky, hogs would cook in the pen, eliminating the need
for the meat processing industry. I spend the remainder of
the week watching yellow, pus-filled golfballs form on my shins.
Solar power is evil.

1993: Custer, North Dakota -- Discover wild, untamed country
where the term "guardrail" is a futuristic concept. I spend the bulk
of the week eating sausage, burgers, jerky, and salads
made from buffaloes and hugging the center line as my wife
and kids yell at me that I'm hugging the center line and I pray
fervently that the car doesn't fly off a cliff and we get eaten by
buffalo. Noble species, my ass.

1997: Mesa, Arizona -- Spring training for the Cubs. We have
traveled across America to a land of great beauty, blue skies,
and ancient history so that we may sit with other migrant Illinoisans
and eat Chicago-style brats and watch Chicago baseball players get
cussed out by loyal Illinois fans. The ribs were great, too.

That felt good. I feel closer to you all now, and am ready
to share the Bladepro Mall's latest special: Presets that
whisk you away to another place -- the presets folder of
your hard drive. Bon Voyage.

Download travel.zip, and don't forget to steal the towels
and the ice bucket when we leave.