If you perused the July 26 USA Today, you may have read a spurrilous attack on the validity of the Food Pyramid, that grand nutritional tradition created by U.S. Department of Agriculture employees who didn't have enough to do with farm programs and mad cow disease prevention and making sure we don't die from undercooked burgers. The Pyramid is the triangular structure that outlines the proper proportions of the five or six major food groups necessary for good dietary health and, more importantly, the only official, documented, federally sanctioned justification we men have for eating at least a modicum of red meat ("Hey, Babe, it's right there in bad color clip art. USDA says so, not me, Sweetie").
But my defense of the Pyramid and the modern bureaucratic stonemasons who constructed it lies at its very foundation. You see, anchoring the Pyramid is that license-to-kill, no-holds-barred, eat-all-you-want-but-eat-what-you-take food group. The grain/bread/cereal/pasta group. Today's consumer is woefully unaware of the importance of this class of comestibles. The grain group provides us thimaine, niacin, valuable fiber, and a great way to cram relatively guilt-free food while the wife is watching. Full rack of ribs won't get it tonight? A half dozen or so rolls stuffed with pure creamery butter will help fill the tiny gaps around that tiny half-rack. Mayo Clinic (or Sizzler, I forget) recommends you plug those potentially lethal air pockets that can form when not enough food is passing through the alimentary canal.
Similarly, a basket of crackers -- I like an eclectic selection of Captain's Wafers, Wheat Thins, those garlicky breadstick splinters, and Saltines -- can fill the void left when one's spouse foolheartedly suggests the full order of fettucine alfredo or the 20-ounce New York Strip might somehow compromise your cardiac health. Remember, consuming dry grain products without butter, Half-and-Half, chocolate, or meat sauce is just asking the really smelly guy at the next table to Heimlich you.
And remember: Meat may be the quarterback, fried potatoes or onions or cheese the running back. But without the grain group, the team's stuck at mid-field. If you know what I mean.
Download wheat.zip. Say, you gonna eat that pat of butter?